Pessimists Anonymous

 Hi.  My name is Shannon, and I am a pessimist.  I can't remember my first negative thought, but I have been pessimistic for as long as I can recall.  I've been told it's because I'm too smart; I've been told it's because I'm too lazy; I think it's because I'm addicted to this way of thinking.  It's become a habit, one so ingrained in my daily behavior that now I'm worried it can't be broken.

     I don't want to be like this.  I want to see the good in things - big and small - things like the future and things like long lines at the grocery store.  But I get in theses frames of mind when I only think of what is or could go wrong, and once I start I just can't stop.  That's why I'm here.

     The dichotomy between pessimism and optimism has been nagging at me lately.  I guess it makes sense; I'm going through a time in my life that I know I will look back on as a low point.  I'm sure that good things will come of it - some already have.  See?  I'm really working on being optimistic, but the thing is, it's so damn hard.  It really is like trying to master an addiction.  It's a daily battle - I have to take one day at a time and I'm constantly relapsing.  Alright, I know it isn't as dire as an addiction to cocaine or something like that.  But overcoming addiction to a thing as innocuous in the eyes of the law and society as pessimism is extremely difficult.  If I ever get to the point where I can be optimistic about just somethings without trying, I will consider it a miracle.  

                                                   

     There are people who make optimism look easy.  How do they do it?  I'm finding the fact to be one of life's greatest mysteries these days.  I envy the skill of optimism; and it is a skill, I've decided.  Just like some people are born with a proclivity for art or music or math, some are naturally and innately prone to optimism.  But most, I think, have to work at it.  Tend it, like a garden.  I'm a big reader, so I often think in terms of literary symbols; I can think of a perfect example: a certain lonely, sick rose growing in a vacant lot from my beloved Dark Tower series.  But the allusion is of course useless to anyone who hasn't read it.  I'm trying to come up with a literary symbol that would be instantly recognizable to everyone but, alas, that is becoming impossible these days.  However, optimism is the driving force behind every quest taken on by every hero in every great story ever told.  Optimism and hope can be confused, but they are different things.  I'm not exactly sure how, I just know that hope comes much easier; but neither are just the stuff of stories.  For me, optimism appears to be the difference between life and existence.